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Somewhat recent pics... [Dec. 12th, 2010|10:00 am]
firmtofu


Here are some updated pics... 1 1/2 years on T...and 1 year 9 months post-op.

Take in September...Collapse )


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If my brother was talking to me... [Sep. 27th, 2010|03:18 am]
firmtofu
You told me that I should have stayed...and we could have worked it out together as a family. But...I told you about the biggest decision I had ever made in my life...and you told me that I could never be your brother.  You told me that you would support me but you didn't understand why I had to change my name...or go on hormones.  So when you refused to try....when you refused to call me by my chosen name and ignored the changes going on in my life, I left.  I left because it wasn't healthy for me to be around you or mom.  When I was around you, I felt like I was going backwards...I didn't have any validation or support.  I had nothing when I was around you.  So I left.  You thought I was selfish...you thought we could have worked through it together.  You told me I didn't give you enough time.  But...the time never expired.  The sand is still falling and you are still...not...doing anything.  Is it time yet?  Is 17 months enough?  I haven't spoken to you since December and the only reason that happened was because we were at the family Christmas dinner. 

I wanted to live my life.  I was falling apart and you didn't try to save me.. I told you that I was in therapy.  I told you that I was a mess.  I told you that I NEEDED HELP.  And then...months later...after I left, and you told me we could have "worked through it together," I responded, "But I told you that I was in therapy...I told you that I was depressed.  I told you that there were days that I couldn't get out of bed."  You said, "I didn't realize it was that serious."  You thought I was...what...being dramatic?  Did you think I was lying?  You didn't take me seriously...you didn't try to help me.  You didn't want to know what was happening.  And, honestly...blood only goes so far.  I do have a family right now...who loves me and supports me for who I am and who I have become...and you aren't in it.  I don't even know you...and I'm not sure if you ever really knew me to begin with.
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(no subject) [May. 18th, 2010|07:39 am]
firmtofu
I don't write in my LJ as often as I would like...and I need to vent right now...so here it goes.

I was joking around with some friends at work last night (my co-workers DO NOT know that I am FTM trans) and one guy said something that really upset me.  I will use first initials to refer to my co-workers...

R: You really need to hit that (referring to a female co-worker).
ME: No...that would be awkward.  I mean...I like fiesty girls but there's a fine line between fiesty and CRAZY...and she is crazy!
R: Well it doesn't matter because you're moving...just fuck her and move to Michigan...then it won't matter!
Then another co-worker says something random...but I can't remember what he said...but the response was this:
G: ...or she could have something hanging between her legs.
ALL : WHAT?  
ME: Dude, what are you talking about?
G: I just heard that she could be a man...people were just bein mean.
R: Dude, if you were about to fuck her and you found out she had a penis, you'd have to kill her!
ME: Wait...whoa...kill her?  Why would I do that?
R: You'd think that you're about to get laid and all of a sudden she whips her dick out...I'd kill the bitch.
ME:  Are you being serious?!  Um...all you need to do is say 'no thank you' and just leave.
Everyone laughs...
R: So you would just say 'no thank you" and leave? Really? I'd kill her...I'd have to.
ME: I wouldn't kill anyone unless it was by accident in self defense.  And...she certainly doesn't deserve to die for something like that.
M: Drew's a nice guy!  He'd probably give her cab fare to get back home.
Everyone laughs again. I smiled at M because he's a nice guy and it didn't look like he really agreed with R's stupid comment.
ME: Yeah I probably would.

So yeah...that's basically how the conversation went.  What I DIDN'T say was that if this girl ended up having a penis, that wouldn't stop me from sleeping with her...because if I liked her...anatomy doesn't matter.  But...if I told these guys that, they would just freak out instead of really thinking about the fact that a transgender person DOES NOT need to die...whether they are being dishonest or not.  The thing is..."R" wasn't joking!  Maybe he wouldn't really kill her...but I truly believe that if he was about to have sex with a girl and found out she was trans...he would beat the crap out of her!  And that scares me...to actually have someone (who I thought was a friend) say that he would do such a thing.  

I know not everyone is like him....but there are LOT of guys who ARE like him...and it makes me so sad to think people can be so hateful...
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(no subject) [May. 1st, 2010|10:12 am]
firmtofu
I've been working out...so here are a couple of pics...

TRYING for a better body...Collapse )
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(no subject) [Apr. 12th, 2010|08:19 pm]
firmtofu
I've noticed something about women.  I think, for the most part, men's looks aren't really important when it comes to snagging a girl's attention.  I mean...I've been sitting around thinking that I just needed to "fix" my appearance to become more appealing to people.  It's not the outside that needs fixing!  It's the inside!  I'm shy and awkward a lot of the time.  I don't know how to talk to girls...it's tough!  But....most people are attracted to people who smile and say the appropriate thing at the appropriate time.  I'm not like that. 

I was in a bookstore a couple of weeks ago and I read a page in a book about "finding your soulmate."  It said something like, "If you want to find a partner so you can do all of those things you've wanted to do...like go camping together, go rock climbing together, take a cooking class, etc....DON'T WAIT.  Sign up for a cooking class and go by yourself!  Do all of these things you've wanted to do...and while you are doing them...you WILL find someone else to do them with."  I know that's right.  I keep talking about taking a yoga class or going to a meditation workshop or something...I should just do it.  You can't expect to find a companion if you're not fulfilling your OWN life first. 

I'm not looking for a relationship but I AM looking for someone to do things with...maybe even date.  It would be nice.... *sigh*
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reflection... [Mar. 15th, 2010|05:04 am]
firmtofu
When I was younger...I thought of myself as "Cory" from "Boy Meets World."  I was the kid who had a good-looking best friend...but I was too geeky to get the girl.  I wanted romance...but nobody wanted the romantic, sweet, geek.  When I got a little older, I identified with "Cameron" from 10 Things I Hate About You.  Again...I was a little on the geeky, quiet side...and had a little trouble getting the girl.  I was filled with self-doubt and fear of rejection.

Who am I now?  Well...I'm still Cory...or Cameron...but for the first time, I'm okay with that.  I guess the real problem wasn't that I was the underdog...the real problem was that I wasn't happy with who I was.  I was always trying to be someone else...I was always trying to be "better."  I'm a little calmer now...and maybe a little less fearful of rejection...but I'm still relatively the same person....just less afraid of showing it.
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(no subject) [Nov. 11th, 2009|08:34 am]
firmtofu
Is it bad that I would rather spend my two days off cleaning the apartment, working out, lounging around, and fixing dinner for my roommate...than driving out of town to have sex with a potential fuck buddy?  *sigh*  I mean...I could leave in a few hours and spend the night having sex...which would be GREAT...but...I really need to clean my room. lol.  And...I really need to rest cuz my feet are killing me.  Spending eight hours on your feet at work isn't fun for someone who has plantar fasciitis. I need a foot massager.

In somewhat related news...I love my roommate!!! In a strictly plantonic, non-prison movie kinda way.  :D
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I need to start writing again... [Oct. 2nd, 2009|05:05 am]
firmtofu
[mood |pensivepensive]

I spent years...trying to find "the one."  That idea - the idea that there is one person that is meant for you...that idea isn't real.  There isn't one person.  Maybe it's the timing.  Maybe you get to a point in  your life where YOU are finally ready to settle down...and you find someone else who possibly harbors the qualities that you are looking for...and they are ready to settle down too.  So...you settle down together.

But really...when are you ready?  I'm exhausted...I'm exhausted from always looking.  Right now...I'm not looking.  I don't want a relationship...I don't want to settle down...and I don't want commitment.  Nothing is forever.  You can't promise forever.

Right now...I have friends.  Maybe I don't have a lot of friends...but I have a few...and they're good friends.  That's what matters.  I DO have love in my life - love for myself...love for my job...love for my beautiful friends.  I love my new roommate.  In some ways, he and I live similar lives.  We're not identical and thank god for that!  If we were...that would be boring.  But...we're enough alike for me to consider him family.  He is my chosen family right now...he is my love.  That's enough for me...that's enough for me to be happy in this moment.  For the first time in my life, I'm not pursuing someone...I'm not trying to get in somebody's pants...I'm not looking...  I'm just happy to love someone without the intention of anything more than platonic companionship.  It took me 26...almost 27 years to get to this point...where I'm ok with friendship. 

I'm just living from one day to the next.  Crazy things happen...shitty things happen...so we just do the best we can to move on...move forward...and laugh about it.  Because that's what we have to do...that's what gets us by...
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2 years since my last post!!! [Aug. 9th, 2009|06:26 pm]
firmtofu
If anyone still reads my LJ...no...I didn't die.  lol.  Here is what has happened since my last post in 2007:

- I am in the process of getting an honorable discharge from the Army
- I started transitioning from female to male
- I started going by the name "Drew" in February 2008
- I got top surgery in January 2009
- I started testosterone injections in April 2009 (it's been 4 months so far...)
- My official name change, and gender marker change, will go through on September 14th!
- I'm not really on speaking terms with my family anymore...ever since I came out as trans.
- My friends are being extremely supportive...and I'm lucky to have them in my life.
- I just moved to Buffalo, New York after meeting a really interesting girl at the National Women's Music Festival on July 3rd...so here it is a month later...and we're no longer dating....but I'm staying in Buffalo.  I found a job and I'm trying to get by and save some money...until I find my next adventure!



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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2007|03:46 am]
firmtofu
I was at a party tonight and was referred to as "he" a lot.  It was interesting.  One thing about being somewhat of a trans-activist is that people assume things about me...like they assume I'm trans.  (And some people thought I was a gay man...like a bio gay man...which was AWESOME!)  I actually identify as genderqueer and I really don't care which pronoun people use to refer to me.  But it just makes me think about our GLBTQSA organization, Spectrum, and how a lot of Straight Allies are perceived as "gay" just because they are members of the organization. I don't assume anything about anyone anymore. I don't even question someone's sexuality unless I'm sexually interested in them.

So maybe some people referred to me as "he" because they assumed I was trans...or maybe they thought I was a bio gay man...or maybe they just picked the pronoun that they thought I physically identified with.  Either way...it's nice not to be pinned in the "female" category every now and then. 
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